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I miss justin =[
1/2 stone to go, and i'm at my goal weight..not quite sre if thats good or not. I set myself the target for the whole year and ive managed to loose 2 1/2 stone since january. My eatinis so particular im not sure if im just being picky or not. I wont drink anythin but water or squash.
Ive never been a calorie counter cos to be honest i dont really understand them. And i think thats the problem.
Cos i just dont eat.
And its just like im always going to be bigger because i just am. Its life, But i just look podgy. Not curvy anymore. But im loosin weight so i dont understand.
My muscles and my bones are fucking up. Ive gotta go to see a back specialist, whatever there called becase my spine isnt strong enough to hold me up anymore.
Years and Years of abuse towards my body, and its probably the same it was like 10 years ago.

Am i ever going to be happy with me?

Dont get me wrong, i am happy. With my life. Cos im doing alright. Just not with me.

Theres to manyt hings i will have to forgive myself for, too many things that i will just have to forgive and forget before i will be a little bit comfortable with myself.

Too much.

But im taking up swimming again to strengthen my back muscles and shoulders hopefully that will gve me some control.
Havnt written in here a while i guess its cos im doing alright, managed to get myself up to manager status at work in like 3 months =D have a car, got new friends. Have loadsa money thazt i actually dont have any use for.  Life is pretty awesome, and im glad that ive actually sorted myself out.

I actually am loving life.

Its fabulous.

had a meetin with the funeral director yesterday, funeral on 26th Which for someon dying on new years day is ages. But i was told alot of people died over christmas which is unfortunate, and not very nice.

Went to longacres today and ordered some flowers me and my bro have picked the biggest bunch of random flowers with colours that dont actually match.

My grandad wouldve rolled his eyes if he saw the arrangement.

It seems so long ago but its been a week now.

I still expect him to have a moan cos i smoke. Or have a go on aabout somethinrandom at me. Like tuna.

Im worried about my mum because shes just holdin the family together and jst doin what needs to be done, and my nan doesnt seem that different either.

I can tell the funeral is going to hit everyone hard.

Its not often the whole family gets together.

My grandad wanted everyone together on new years day. He gotwhat he asked for. But i dont think it was the way he wanted.

I miss him already.

I am more cold than the average monkey.
Everything i seem to touch or go near turns sour. Ive always wanted the happy famil life, so ive been spending more time with all my family especially my grandparents.
And while i was tucking into my delicious beef stew last night my mum told me my grandad (who i call jampy)
has got cancer. It was in his stomach, but its also now spread into his liver and apparently the doctors cant operate.
On tuesday we find out basically how long hes got left.
I just cant stop thinking about it.
I didnt sleep at all last night,
Thing is im worried about my mum and my nan and my aunties. But there all worried about how im going to deal with it.
My mums hidden all the tablets, moved everything sharp out of my reach.
How can i prove to them im better?
oh and im blates have coffee and cake for lunch tomoro at starbucks.

thtas if i can bribe ppl away from frankie & bennys.
You make me so angry its unbelievable.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my shrink tomorrow. I have alot to say.
Everything is beginning to become more clear to me.
Fuckin right pile of wank.

The police wont do anything because they dont think im that dangerous to myself.

Nowhere will give me help unless i do anything.

How fuckin ridiculous is that?